Updated: Apr 21
I have so many feelings inside of me
That sometimes I’m afraid I will drown in them.
I am scared I will get caught in a riptide,
Pulled in by the tug of a single stray thought
Until I am floating at sea, a lone figure
Among the endless waves all around me.
I know I have what society calls achievements.
I have had rounds of applause, shiny trophies
Acceptance letters, report cards, and scholarships
But when I turn my head in the mirror
I can still see the emptiness resting in my eyes.
My hand on my chest, I can still feel the black hole
That pulses in time with my heartbeat.
I feel certain I would give it all to the wind
For even the faintest hint of something more.
I picture the friends I love most, standing out
Like jewels amidst a pile of leaves.
Even they, I know, I would sacrifice instantly,
If I thought it would appease the sadness inside of me.
Would, perhaps, there be a person who is like me?
Is anyone else a flower planted in the middle of the night
Forever stretching towards sunlight that never appears?
Is anyone else a river running downhill
But never reaching a destination?
Anyone else a beginning with no end?
Anyone else a heart full of complexities
But no eyes with which to examine it?
In my dreams, the bitter wind of the East
Blows in with the blinding sun.
Wildflowers bloom in all of my veins
And the face in the mirror smiles at me.
The shrouded face takes off the veil,
And the darkness slips away,
As if it were all nothing more than a dream.
For now, I am but a fly, caught in a web.
But I can smell the cherry blossoms in the air
Spring is coming, for those who know where to look.
Someday, I hope, I will feel the peace
That can only come from being an ocean
And no more the despair of being lost in an ocean.
Erin Mullens is an American writer who currently lives in Seoul, South Korea. Her hobbies include reading, going to art museums, and hiking in the woods. She has previously been published in Cathartic Youth Literary magazine. You can follow her on Instagram at @moonchildisuhgood.